Car Alarm

I am not a confident driver. I'd love to hang this on the fact that I only drive approximately once a year, but the truth is, I've been edgy since the very first day of driver's ed. I blame it all on the squirrels who lived in the park by the driving range. If you want the rest of that story, you'll have to talk to me later.

When I moved to Russia nearly 10 years ago, it wasn't a huge blow to me to have to sell my car. I really don't mind walking, or taking the bus or the metro. Granted, there have been moments (when it's -30 with the wind blowing; when it's pouring down rain, and I have 20 kilos of groceries to haul home) that I've wished for my own set of wheels, but by-and-large, I'm very grateful that I don't have to deal with parking & licenses & petrol & traffic police.

On the flip side -in the United States, that is - it is immensely inconvenient to not have a car. Most places I visit (especially in Missouri) do not have a highly developed public transportation system. You big-city people will scoff at me, but let me tell you, Mr.-St.-Louis-has-a-great-light-rail-man, the longest I've EVER had to wait for a train in Moscow was 5 minutes, at that was at midnight. When your trains start running every 59.3 seconds during rush hour, then we'll talk.

So anyway, every time I realize that any amount of time in the US is going to necessitate allocating an automobile, I start to get a little stressed. Not only do I have to remember all of the rules & regulations of driving, but I have to learn about cars ALL OVER AGAIN, because the things people drive these days are nothing like my little '97 Camry with power locks, power windows and audio system with cassette deck AND CD player! (I was SO high-tech in the 90s...) Seriously, what is it with the closed-circuit video systems that show you everything you're about to back over? It's completely taken all the fun out of "name that crunch".

When I was in the states last fall for my recruiting trip in Chicago, I made sure to reserve a sub-compact car with no bells, no whistles, and no outlandish decor. I was supposed to have Ford's version of the mini-Smart car. You know - the kind of car that looks like it's powered by hamsters? Imagine my surprise then when the desk agent told me that they were completely out of small cars! They didn't have compacts, sub or otherwise. I couldn't even get a mid-sized sedan. Even though I'd made my reservation 6 weeks in advance, even though I had clearly indicated I needed only enough car for one driver and a suitcase, I ended up with an "upgrade" - Chevrolet's version of the swagger wagon.

Truth be told, having a mini-van probably was a good thing, since my display board & suitcase would have been riding on my lap in the other rig, but having that much space meant that I was going to have to DRIVE all of that square footage around with me. All day. In CHICAGO TRAFFIC.

I swallowed the lump forming in my throat and resolutely loaded up the van for my drive to the suburbs, and then spent the next 30 minutes trying to figure out how to adjust the car so that I could actually drive it. (Can someone please tell me why the switches for headlights, emergency lights, and interior lights are now all controlled on a single dial? And WHY is that dial now on the steering column? Why isn't it on the dashboard? Since when are the wipers controlled on the same thing-a-ma-jig as the cruise control?! And don't get me started on the radio button on the steering where, located where cruise control USED to be...)

Once I'd finally adjusted all of my lights, mirrors, and temperature controls, I reached down and attempted to put the key into the ignition. It wouldn't go. In the dim glare of the parking garage, I held up the key chain and noted that there was only ONE key on the fob. Surely this HAD to be the key to the ignition? I got out of the car to put the key in the door and make sure this was the right key for this car. But there was no hole for the key. My doors were locked & unlocked by the touch of the buttons on the fob. Perplexed, I climbed back in the car to see if I couldn't find the "hidden" ignition switch.

I spent the next twenty minutes trying to stick that key into every slot, crevice and dial imaginable. That key matched absolutely NOTHING on the steering column, dashboard, stereo, or rear seat control panel. Having now spent what seemed like HOURS in the parking garage, I was on the verge of tears as I prepared to humbly crawl back to the rental desk and ask for basic instructions in starting a car. As I grabbed the key and prepared to lock the door behind me, I looked down and noticed that the magical, push-button fob was shaped a little like a USB flash-drive. It was almost as if it was meant to be plugged into a computer and... **DING**

My mental headlights flashed on, and I jumped back in the car to see if, in fact, my USB fob was the magical key to the ignition. I plugged it in, turned it over, and "vvrroooomm". The mini-van roared to life. There are no words to describe the incredible feelings of relief that washed over me for all of 5.2 seconds before I pulled out of the parking garage and into Chicago traffic. I'd started a car! By myself! Surely the toll-roads would be nothing after this.

I write all of this (many months after the fact - it took me this long to get over the humiliation) with the knowledge that it won't be long before I have to readjust to do-it-yourself-driving. I'm going to have to use a car, andfor an extended period of time. This is not just a weekend rental; it's more than just borrowing my parents' car for a road-trip. I'm either going to have to go out there and operate with nerves of steel, or invest in one of those adult tricycles, for the only thing worse than having to drive on my own would be...having to ride a bike. But that's for another post.