Line Dancing

One of the ways I spend my free time in Moscow is by playing a game I call "Kто последний?" (Kto poslednyi?)You've never heard of this game? Oh, it's quite simple, really. Go to any bank, pharmacy, post office, or ticket counter, and attempt to conduct your business in less than an hour. That's all there is to it. You'll never win. Ever.

The rules of the game are as follows:

1) Enter any bank/pharmacy/post office/etc., and take stock of the "line" that forms at lone service window that's actually open.

2) Note that the line meanders across the lobby, through the foyer, out the door, and around the block. Find the end of the line.

3) Upon making you way to the back of the line, ask the person who appears to be at the end, "Kто последний?" - "Who is last?"

4) Realize how ridiculous it is to ask such a question because, obviously, if you're at the end of the line, then YOU are last.

5) Acknowledge that you will remain in line perpetually, because said line does not diminish on the business end.

Here's the thing about lines in Moscow - they are not straight, there are often more than three "lines" forming for the same window, and no one ever stands in them for the entire time they're supposed to wait their turns. Nope, that's what you do! The minute you raise the question of "Kто последний?" you have become the perpetual place holder for the 2 kids, 4 businessmen, 3 housewives, and 43 babushki who are secretly in front of you.

This is a phenomenon I've witnessed for 9 years, and it never ceases to amaze me. As soon as I think that I'm about to make it to the "front" of the line, when my feet are numb and my eyes are about to cross, just when I could just about reach out & touch the business window, out of NOWHERE spring no fewer than 12 people, all of whom have been "waiting" in line.

"Young man, I'm behind you, but before that girl, right?"

"Devushka, tell her that I'm in front of you, okay?"

"Excuse me, but will you tell her that I'm really standing here, while I'm actually down at the kiosk buying cigarettes?"

I guess that's the thing that bothers me most - it's not that I'm holding someone's place in line while they run across the lobby to pick up another envelope, or get a price sticker for the bag of onions they forgot to weigh, or make an emergency trip to the port-a-potty behind the building. No, I'm holding those spots so that they can run down the block & buy flowers, stop in at the post office to put themselves in another line, or make a trip to the barber. They're all out getting other things done, things that I need to do, but can't accomplish, because I'm holding 52 places in line!

I will confess that it's gotten better. Thanks to computer upgrades, all bills can now be paid at one bank. (During my first year in Russia, I had to make three stops - I paid the electric bill at the post office, the TV bill at the bank, and the phone bill at the hair dresser's.) Banks now have three to four windows open at a time, and the one in my neighborhood has even gone so far as to put a sign up that says "У нас есть только одна общая очередь!" - "There is only one line!" - which prevents 3 or 4 separate queues of equally frustrating proportions from forming.There are even rumors of a "Take a number, get in line" system being implemented here in town. Imagine how that would level the playing field!

Automated kiosks, not unlike ATMs, have sprung up on virtually every corner. If you know how to read bar codes (and Russian), and you don't mind paying 3% commission, you can skip the whole line business and the "Kто последний?" game altogether...but really, where's the fun in that?